KTJK FWD of the Day!

2008 Darwin Awards

You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado, here are the 2008 Darwin awards.

Eighth Place

In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Syl vester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. [By the sounds of it, He lost… big!]

Third Place (Love this One)

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2:00 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee ropes; Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.

He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS....

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'.

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL...

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REMEMBER: Cell Phone Numbers Go Public next month.
REMINDER.... all cell phone numbers are being released to telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sale calls.

.... YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR THESE CALLS

To prevent this, call the following number from your cell phone: 888-382-1222 .
It is the National DO NOT CALL list . It will only take a minute of your time. It blocks your number for five (5) years. You must call from the cell phone number you want to have blocked. You cannot call from a different phone number.

HELP OTHERS BY PASSING THIS ON.. It takes about 20 seconds.

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THE NEW MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained
a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is
an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%
of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I have never seen done in my entire
career."

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Dear Abel :
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and
the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our
bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I'm 41, my husband is 44, and
the neighbor's daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke
down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six
months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from
his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly
depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave
him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
******************************
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If
none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the
fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
injectors.
I hope this helps,

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Guys, you have read all the story to find some humor in this email.

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in
New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose
any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward . The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
(scroll and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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I would like to nominate my son’s teacher Mrs. Maria Correra for teacher of the week.

She is one of the best teachers my son has ever had. Warm and loving…but firm and demanding when the time is needed.

I know my son is on the path to a wonderful life in educational because of her and her teaching experiences.

She makes learning fun with her students and has a open door policy to any questions or concerns a student or parent might have.

I am very lucky to have her in my son’s life to prepare him for secondary education and all of its expectations.

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Impressed, the woman obtained his business card .... and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

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Just wanted to let you guys know how great your station is. I had been looking for a tejano net station without all the breakdowns and boring commercials (even though I know they pay) I really love that your music is all tejano music. You are on in the morning while getting ready for work and in the afternoon and any time we are at home. (I am emailing you all the way from Big Spring, Tx. ) Now I have to figure out how I can get it at work, Buy a ipod or move to Del Rio, huh? Again thanks for playing the real Tejano music and I will pass the word around about this station to all the comadres. Sincerely Elia aka "Grammy"

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Friends come in all sizes...

Your friends will support you....

And respect your creativity
For thinking outside the box...

They'll be there when you need a
Shoulder to lean on...

Or a great big hug...

They see beyond the black and white
To discover your true colors...

And accept you as you are...
Even when you just wake up in the morning

So make your own kind of music...

Follow your heart wherever it takes you...

And when someone reaches out to you,
Don't be afraid to love them back...

They may just be a friend for life...

Practice patience and tolerance....

Good friends are hard to find,

Harder to leave,

And impossible to forget!

Share this with your unforgettable friends today...

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how to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast:

Jewish Olympic Swimmer

Church can be hilarious!

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It's time again for the annual 'Stella  Awards'!

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old
Stella Liebeck who spilled  hot coffee on herself and successfully
sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You
remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was
driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that,  right?
That's right; these are  awards for the most outlandish lawsuits
and  verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch
your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was  running
inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised  by
the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car
when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he
had  just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the
automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to
open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting
the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit
for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry
dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental
Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson
$500,000 for his anguish.  We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the
Stella 'S when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten
on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on
a chain in its owner's  fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury
believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because
Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ...... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:
Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because
a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped
on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink
was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible
for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more
Stella's to go...

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking
out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak
through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury
said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ...oh, yeah, plus dental
expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE: ......May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please,,,,

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski,
of Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor
home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven
onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a
sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in
the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while
the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you
sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed
their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any
relatives who might also buy a motor home.

You can't fix stupid .and now its profitable!

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The Dallas Police are cracking down on speeders heading into DFW, for the first offense, they give you two Cowboys tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Dallas Cowboys!

Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.

Q. How do you keep the Dallas Cowboys out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. Where do you go in DFW in case of a tornado?
A. To Texas Stadium - they never have a touchdown there!

Q. What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. What do the Dallas Cowboys and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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What do you suppose this collection is worth?

This collection belongs to Dennis Albaugh in Ankeny, Iowa, just north of Des Moines.

The personal & private collection consists of 110 + Chevrolet convertibles

all years from 1912 to 1975 & Corvette convertibles from 1953 to 1975.

That is a Chevy convertible from every year of manufacture EXCEPT 1939... !

- the reason? -

Chevy didn't make a convertible in '39 -- and ended its convertible line in '75 !

His 'boy toys' include his own 18 hole golf course, copied somewhat after Augusta National.

He is what you call a REAL Chevy guy, but his passion seems to be convertibles !

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1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the  other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1 Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

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